Navigating Finances, Together

Most of us are not in the habit of discussing money, let alone our feelings about money. For a couple, being able to talk about money can help create an understanding of each other’s perspectives and, in turn, energize efforts to accomplish both individual and shared goals. Money is a topic that is deeply entwined with our emotions and personal values, our sense of family, and our level of self-confidence in the world.   

When couples navigate finances together, interweaving two individual perspectives can be challenging – yet it can create a uniquely helpful foundation for decision making. 

Partners face decisions about spending and saving regularly, and navigating those decisions depends in part on their assumptions about the role of money more generally. Does it represent security, linking financial stability with emotional well-being? Or might it represent freedom and opportunity, and provide the means to pursue joyful activities without too many limits? Perhaps money is associated with stress or conflict stemming from past financial struggles or family arguments over money. All couples have a multifaceted context to navigate as they make those decisions together.  

Juggling concerns about immediate needs with longer-term goals, such as paying for college, retirement, or long-term care later in life, is common and forms the basis of the kind of dynamic cash flow planning work we do with clients. Awareness allows a couple to develop a runway to get ahead of later needs. Successful cash-flow planning goes beyond just numbers and awareness – it requires open communication, mutual understanding, and collaborative decision-making.  

Understanding and supporting one another’s daily decisions isn’t always easy, but communication leads to discovery. Discussing assumptions about income, spending, and saving learned in childhood can bring to light areas of difference or conflicting commitments. One partner might feel insecure that their uneven income as a consultant doesn’t provide a steady salary.  Having an open dialogue about this dynamic can prompt productive conversation about invisible judgments you each have been making about one another’s decisions.

It’s not uncommon for one person to take the lead in the day-to-day finances – let’s call them the money manager – while the other has less involvement in the process. This dynamic can stem from personal preferences, upbringing, or careers. While the ins and outs of a couple’s financial life might be very familiar to the money manager, their partner may be more removed from the specifics of their checking and savings account balances. That partner may be happy to delegate these responsibilities, or they may feel intimidated or out of the loop on family finances.

Whatever their perspective, having a full picture makes it easier to engage with major financial decisions the couple faces. One partner may see a large checking account balance as a windfall, when the other, the money manager, knows the funds are already earmarked for specific savings, investments and spending. A situation that seems clear to one member of a couple may appear completely different to other, and speaking up when you discover that difference can bring clarity and better understanding of each other. 

Our relationship with money can shift in unexpected ways when a life change comes along. When babies are born, when kids leave home, when one spouse faces elder care commitments, inherits money or property, or experiences their own diminished capacity – these moments can radically change our spending priorities and press us to find new ways to collaborate. 

When life changes, the need for new self-understanding and more communication comes into play. Perhaps it’s finally time to drop your adult children from your family cell phone plan, or discuss how to approach extra support of time and money for an aging parent. While you may not have planned for it explicitly, discussing the added expenses and commitments with your partner means you face the challenges together, even if it means delaying or adjusting your own previously agreed-upon goals. 

Inheritance is another moment when the balance between individual assumptions and a couple’s joint decision making can diverge. This money is often accompanied by strong emotions, family history, and the complexities of parental relationships, and determining how to use these funds can be a big decision. This is often a moment when a couple becomes more serious about their own legacy, revisiting an estate plan as well as revisiting spending and savings goals.

Whether couples combine their finances, keep them separate, or use some combination of both depends on their individual preferences, values, and circumstances. These approaches each have their merits and challenges, but by more regularly and openly discussing financial goals and concerns, couples can be one another’s advocate.  

Life can feel very busy at times and clear communication about things like money can easily fall by the wayside. Our work with clients creates space for these important conversations. As life evolves and finances shift in unexpected ways, building a habit of open communication can create a foundation for confident decision making.