As we move through life, we plan for joyful milestones – birthdays, weddings, retirements. Another meaningful plan we can make is for the inevitable: what happens after we die. While it’s not a topic most people enjoy discussing, making thoughtful decisions in advance can be a profound act of love and clarity for those we leave behind.
Losing someone we love often requires us to make decisions about a memorial or a final resting place at the hardest possible moment. In the midst of grief, you’re faced with a flood of questions: When? Where? How? What? Who? This can all be overwhelming, and that’s before opinions start flying or people question your choices. Even well-meaning suggestions can feel like pressure.
After the tears have dried and the chaos settles, you might find yourself thinking about what you can do to prepare your loved ones. One way is to develop and share clarity about your own wishes in advance.
Planning Ahead Matters
For some, the answers are rooted in culture and family traditions, leaving fewer decisions to make. If your culture requires cremation, there’s no debate. If your family has a burial plot with a space reserved for you, the path is clear. This is not the case for many families.[1]
My father passed away suddenly, with no instructions.
Our family was heartbroken. While just getting through the early days of loss was emotionally draining, we also had to navigate the daunting task of deciding on what comes next. Burial or cremation? If burial, where? What should go on his headstone? With multiple religious affiliations in our family, who should officiate? What kind of ceremony?
Thankfully, we were able to work through the questions to give him a meaningful sendoff – in a Costco casket, his favorite company. My father wasn’t religious, but others in the family are, leading to some conflict about who should speak at the service. Rather than fight about it, we asked two religious representatives to share the honor. Was it what he would have wanted? We’ll never know the answer to this, but we did our best.
Planning as a Peacekeeper
Even in the most loving families, grief can evoke powerful emotions. Family members may have different interpretations of what “feels right,” leading to disagreements about burial methods, ceremonies, religious rites, or even who should be involved.
While the loss of a loved one can be difficult for all families, there may be additional complexities in blended families where children have different relationships with the deceased and diverse ideas about what should happen. Conflicts might also arise in second marriages where a surviving spouse and adult children do not see eye to eye. Distant or estranged family members may suddenly become involved, stepping on the toes of those who were more involved with the deceased.
Planning ahead is powerful. Clear, documented wishes can help prevent some of these painful moments. They offer a roadmap, reduce conflict, and allow loved ones to focus on healing.
Reflecting on Your End of Life Plans
When planning for your body after death, consider what aligns with your values. What are your family traditions, religious beliefs, and cultural practices? It may be important to you or your family that there is a physical location for loved ones to visit. Alternatively, some families prefer to scatter ashes across multiple locations that were meaningful during their life. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to these questions, so it can be helpful to lean on resources within your religious community, mortuaries, and trusted advisors.
Burial and cremation are common, but these methods are often not eco-friendly. There are alternatives that cause less environmental harm by using biodegradable materials and avoiding toxic embalming fluids, reduce carbon emissions with water-based alternatives to cremation, and ways to use your body to promote the environment (become compost for a garden or tree, or become part of an artificial reef). You can also donate your body for scientific research.[2]
Make Your Wishes Known
For many of us, discussing death is uncomfortable, both for you and your loved ones who may not want to imagine a world without you. Others may find the topic fascinating, whether for cultural, spiritual, or scientific reasons. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, discussing your instructions can be easier if done while you are healthy and death is far into the future. Whether you are able to have the conversation or not, you should document your wishes in your estate plan.
Some people choose to pay for services in advance. One client shared that she had done this and discussed her wishes with her daughter. Knowing her arrangements were taken care of gave her peace and comfort, knowing everything was in place for her daughter to carry out.
If you don’t pay in advance, it can be helpful to talk to your financial advisor and estate attorney to make sure the costs will be covered by your estate and not a burden on one family member.
Peace of Mind Through Preparation
As many recently celebrated Halloween and Día de Los Muertos, death and remembrance may be on your mind. Take this opportunity to think about what matters most to you. Planning ahead is one of the most meaningful gifts you can give your loved ones.
At North Berkeley, we’re here to support you through all of life’s transitions, even the ones that are hard to talk about. We believe in planning for the future – for joyful moments, for challenges, and for the inevitable.
Resources
[1] According to a 2021 survey by the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), only 36 percent of Americans have talked with or written plans for loved ones about their funeral. AARP.org
[2] 8 Green burial options You Should Know. https://www.cremation.green/green-burial-options/
